whats wrong with that woman? my day was really screwed up. i thought things were for the better after i understood even the least bit of chan's lesson. i thought i was redeemed. apparently not. oh fuck. the kind of uncertainty-induced hatred rose in me to the extent that when i stepped into the lift before reaching home i imagined myself culdging that poor bloke standing in front of me into meat paste. To think that such hatred could manifest such sinful thoughts makes me shudder. fuck. what went wrong in life? where's my drive? whats my purpose? its late. i found two posts i wrote during and after the taiwan camp last year.
the after:
Sadly.up till now.you still do not know who I am.
Neither do you understand me or know who am I.
I thought the taiwan camp would have made a difference.
It did.
But it wore off as fast as it came.
Since JC life started since ytd.
Eyes did not meet eyes.
Today.I screwed up many things.
When dismissed at skol, I called amy jie and her parentswho came to pick me up.and i forgot that gong2 came to pick me up too.
You do not know how bad I felt.
A 70-year old plus driving out in the rain to realize minutes later your foolish grandson is on his way back home in somone else's car.
I hate myself because I am so weak.When I reached home.However tired I was. I did the vacuuming without a sound. I was willing. I was not forced into doing.I was glad to remove a burden even if it seems insignificant to those you both are carrying.but.I am blessed with thalessemia and a lazy body.I nearly collapsed after finishing my room.
I hate myself for being seemingly useless.Besides seeing me as arrogant, too smrt for my own good, or acting as if im all grown up.im nothing much.And im a dispicable freak who does not see how important money is to us now.
Do you think I am all that unappreciative
Do you think I am one who does not treasure what i have?
Then again.If i say i do, my actions hardly prove so.
I hate myself for having such a poor memory.
Then again, I could have not been using my brain for thinking and analysing for a long time.
I hate myself when I am not appreciated.
I couldn't help it. I feel I have not done enough.but when things get bloody. I really just don't know what to do.
You may say "You don't know how lucky you are" and "think that your parents print banknotes for a living"
Which is what brings us back to sqaure 1, what happened after O levels, speaker's problem of unintentionl implyed purpose and listener's problem of misinterpreting.
we usually say things to hint somthing especially if we want to put a message across.when you exclaimed "$800" as if it was a million bucks, what do you think i felt?
Most of the time, we talk with our brains shut.
We will be so absolutely blunt to blurt out whatsoever comes to mind.
sighs.
[This was written on the day of library orientation 07.]
The other post shall wait.